PRS-500

With all the goings on of the past month. I have been unable to talk about the treat I got for myself using a nice little bonus. In an effort to cut down on the amount of books I have I am selling/donating my current library. It nice and compact and hold a lot of memory plus the battery power is great I can go over a week without having to charge it. So far I have about 32 books in it and I haven't touched most of them but this is good for me since I usually read more than one book at a time so I can switch back and forth depending on my mood. The books are also cheaper so thats a plus. I don't usually loan out my books so there really is no reason to have a copy hanging around collecting dust.


Anyways I think I'm going on a date this weekend. At the very least its dinner and a way of meeting someone new. The weekends here and I'm going to go out and enjoy it now.

Dreams

What is it about dreams that can make the difference between having a good day or a bad day. Normally one can have a good dream and be nice all day. A bad dream can you leave you moody and restless. Well the last couple of days have completely screwed me up. Sunday night I had what many people would consider a bad dream. Although upon waking I was energized and felt like I could take on the world. Last night I had a very good dream, but today its left me sad, depressed and listless. I can't believe I should be routing for bad dreams but I don't think I can take many more good ones. I suppose if I had the choice I would much rather not dream at all right now. Reality is far more dramatic. I know part of my problem is the shear amount of work I have to do, and I think its not letting me deal properly with current events in my life. I wish I could say things have gotten much better for me. I think maybe its time to take a long hard look at my life and make some big decisions. It won't be easy but I think it may be the only way I can grow.

Someone once told me they wanted to have "higher highs" in their life. I agree that can be fun. Inherently you can't always live your life in a high; otherwise you have no place to come down to for support. I think we all would like to have a good time but its a balance that makes life possible. If you spend your life running from one 'high' to the next, you'll end up with a life of running, and maybe the people who cared about you the most could not keep up.

Tempest

While I just can't jump in the sack and have a role in the hay, to get over (or deny) my feelings, I have decided it is probably best if I get back out there. This is not to say that I am over anything, or that I am on a crusade for Mr. Right. I just know that I need to make some new friends and rekindle relationships with old ones. Who knows maybe that will be the catalyst for something bigger. While I am starting to enjoy my solitude to a point it is nice to have someone to talk to and share a laugh with.

I have thought about starting like some kind of social club. Just a little get together of sorts for men who want to meet in something other than a club/bar setting. I mean I enjoy movies, books, cooking and board games. Surely there has got be others out there who would enjoy getting together once in a while for a night like that. Not that I plan to use it for my own private dating pool, I just think it would be nice.

The weekend had its ups and downs, and unfortunately it was a more down weekend. It didn't help that I have a lot of extra work to do for my job. I can't wait till a month from now when all my new people are trained and I can take a breather. On the plus side I was able to see my whole family together again for the first time in a while. I just wish I was mentally in a better mood at the time so I could have enjoyed it more.

Anyways just putting it out there, but I was thinking of going into Boston this year for the 4th. I'm so close this year I figure its worth a shot and I have always wanted to see the POPs in person. Anyone care to join?

The Silver Lining

You know sometimes I feel like Doogie Howser writing these things, but I just can't help myself. Anyways yes you can note the time stamp it is correct and it is 3AM in the morning. Now recently I have not been getting that much sleep because it was do to having way to many things on my mind. Tonight its because I was out this late. No Debauchery, yes I was with Brian, and while I am not going to go into details at this time, I'm not going to lie. I know a lot of people have been counseling me as of late, all of it welcome and helpful, but ultimately I know whats best for me and honestly tonight is the first night of the past week if not the past few months where I can go to bed peacefully and get some much needed rest. No Brian and I are not back together, we know that we can't do that right now, we both need time and space, but I do have my best friend back, and in a way that is what matters most.

Until next we meet

I don't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing that I saw Brian yesterday. I would like to think it was a good thing only because I miss him so. On the one hand I feel as if I should cut him out of my life but the other says that we should still stay friends. I wish I could say our talk made more things clear, but I can't say that it did for me. I guess that's OK though because really all I wanted was to make sure my thoughts and feelings were heard and that is exactly what happened. I know we can't be together right now, there is just too much that's gone on that we both have to heal and grow. My problem is that I know we may never be back together, but I want us to get back together eventually. I do not want to hold on to false hopes. We are going to try to be friends, I think he knows that it may be far more harder for me to be friends with him and than vice versa. Maybe this makes me weak. I don't know but I know its what I want. With so much now out of control in my life why should I not be able to do what I want.

I don't know when I'll see him next. I kind of left that up to him. I don't want to monopolize his time. It would not be fair since after all we are no longer together. But at least I know that he wants to see me still, part of me was feeling like he never wanted to see me again. So for right now I'm just going to look forward to my visit to the therapist on Wednesday. I know when I'm not right and need to talk to someone and if there was ever a time now is it. I think he can help me get through this. I just wish it had been couples counseling instead.