The Ghosts of Christmas Past

NO I am not about to recant a tale of Dickensian woe. I am merely stating what it is that I shall be doing tomorrow. You may have remembered me talking about a ghost tour last month. Well unfortunately those plans never did come to fruition. The first attempt had to be rescheduled do to conflicting schedules. The second time around it needed to be aborted because there was a hurricane (well not really, there was just alot of wind and rain). Tomorrow is the third attempt and while it is suppose to be quite chilly it will be pleasantly sunny. We should have a good in not cold time tomorrow. I am looking forward to it. Of course the cold seems to be the precursor to what is shaping up to be the first significant snowfall of the season on Sunday. I however; get to miss it. Hopefully the snow keeps on its course and allows me to take off Sunday morning for Chicago. I don't look forward to being delayed at an airport again going to Chicago. Last time was enough. Either way. My camera is fully charged so I will be snapping photos.

So this leads me to what I want to talk about next. I'm going to ask for a little bit of participation here and hopefully we can have a little fun. Since every radio station this side of the temple is playing Christmas music I figure I want to know a little bit more about people. Every year these station play the Christmas songs that have been classified as "classics". They don't have to be old they just are adopted in the mix and get repeated year after year. For example Nat King Cole's "The Christmas Song" is a classic through and through, but George Michael's "Last Christmas" and Mariah Carey's "All I want for Christmas" are rather new but have been adopted as a new classics and are played year after year.

Recently we have been seeing more from Clay Aiken and Josh Groben which are sure to be classics. We have also seen some others by the latest Brit-Jessi-Christina wannabees that will be forgotten faster that you can say Happy New Year, and rightly so. However, there are a select few that beyond all sense of logic become classics and we are cursed to hear them year after year, some are so bad they make you want to change the channel. Below are my top 5 holiday songs that I absolutely despise and should be banished from the airwaves.

5. Mary's Boy Child/Oh My Lord - Boney M. What you don't know this one? Yes you do. It was released in '78. I was all of one yet this turd has continued to show up at more Christmases than Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo. Maybe its the steel drums, or maybe its the fact that you would expect to here it come spewing forth from a fish bowling VW bus. Oh my lord indeed, crack a window. Reggae and Christmas just don't mix. Believe it or not there was an entire album of this, maybe we should consider ourselves lucky(?) that we aren't exposed to more refer madness. Final review: Mildly annoying, you may want to go get a refill on the eggnog while its on.

4. Little Saint Nick - The Beach Boys. Maybe its the same argument as the Calypso Calamity above but Beach and Christmas don't mix. Snow and sand go together like gays and football. Sure it happens every now and then but it leads to funny looks and causes people to shake their heads. In this case I'm thinking did they need the money. I just don't see the appeal of this song and once again it was part of a larger Christmas Album. This one was released in '64 so its one of the oldest on my list, but definitely not the wisest. If the Beach Boys were the three wise men it wouldn't have been Frankincense and myrrh that was being smoked. Which would also explain this release. My final Word: this song is like the kids at the store in front of you. You know the real whiny ones that have mom and dad wrapped around their little finger, and you just know if they don't get there way the explode. You know the kind you just want to slap.

3. Dominic the Donkey - Lou Monte Chiggity Ching!!! I don't know why people think animals are all that cute in songs. That aside even if I did want to introduce a new Christmas critter to replace Rudolph it sure wouldn't be a donkey!!! and whats with that other song about a hippopotamus, why can't we have Charlie the Christmas Chipmunk or the ever more useful Patty the Prancing Puma she'd at least get the toys there faster. I digress, so we are stuck with an ass for this song. Does anyone else notice that this song couldn't be any more stereotypically guido if it were played at a Soprano's convention. If I were Italian I would be insulted, and infinitely more popular. My Final word: released in 1960 its aged as well as the fruitcake you get every year. You take a bite to be polite, but then shove it to the back of the refrigerator until next year.

2. Same Old Lang Syne - Dan Fogleberg I'm sorry I know he's a great guy and is a great environmental spokes person but this song bites. No I mean it makes you want to bite the end of a rifle. Released in '81 I suspect that it may have been no coincidence that the incidents of suicide around the holidays went up that year. Maybe my own personal biasis are coming into play with this one this year, but what makes this a Christmas song? Yes he mentions Christmas Eve but it could have happened at any point in the year. I wouldn't classify lamenting on old lovers as being cheery, nor is it one of those Global Awareness songs (you know the ones where its a catchy tune, and 50 celebrities singing about ending war and poverty through the world). So why do we bring this one out every year. Is it to finally send that pathetic lonely friend of yours onto the tracks so you have one last gift to get? Someone please tell me. My Final Thought: It sucks you in just like those old relatives you only see once a year and then haunts you for days. Best if you just ignore the song and change the channel unless your a masochist.

This is it the last one. How bad is it? Oh it gets pretty bad. Guaranteed to make Santa toss his cookies and hang up the boots. Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you the worst Christmas tune of all time.


1. CHRISTMAS SHOES - NEWSONG This song makes me want destroy property, punch babies, and dismember small animals. I know I am in the shoe biz but even I can't stomach the song. My distaste for it is so strong that the opening chord is all I need to hear and the radio gets violently turned off. Also not a happy song, its premise is a poor child needs money to buy shoes for his dying mother so she can look pretty for Jesus? What kind of value is vanity? Anyways this song is to music as Beaches is to movies. Its sole purpose is to make you cry. For something I hate so much I am amazed how much know about it. It was originally an internet legend back in '96. It's too bad that Snopes couldn't have gotten to it before that crazy Christian group Newsong got it. Now we have the song, book and even a movie. I swear those Christians will believe anything these days and then want to saturate the airwaves with it. ( ooh that was really caddy of me) I know I am in good company declaring this song as the most depressing of all time. My Final Thought: Just say no: to drugs, expired eggnog, pulling your uncle's finger, last minute shopping at Cumby's, Strawberry Soda, and this "SONG". In fact do what I do and learn and memorize the first chord and flip the channel. The baby Jesus dancing to that sultry steal drum is much more preferable to this dreck.

Alright thats it. Thats my list. Maybe you agree with me. Maybe I just slammed your favorite song. Maybe you should get your head checked then. Just kidding. Its been fun and I have had an axe to grind for these songs for a long time. Let me know if you agree, or if I just ruined Christmas for you. Maybe you have Holiday Turd of your own you need to flush out.