PRS-500

With all the goings on of the past month. I have been unable to talk about the treat I got for myself using a nice little bonus. In an effort to cut down on the amount of books I have I am selling/donating my current library. It nice and compact and hold a lot of memory plus the battery power is great I can go over a week without having to charge it. So far I have about 32 books in it and I haven't touched most of them but this is good for me since I usually read more than one book at a time so I can switch back and forth depending on my mood. The books are also cheaper so thats a plus. I don't usually loan out my books so there really is no reason to have a copy hanging around collecting dust.


Anyways I think I'm going on a date this weekend. At the very least its dinner and a way of meeting someone new. The weekends here and I'm going to go out and enjoy it now.

Dreams

What is it about dreams that can make the difference between having a good day or a bad day. Normally one can have a good dream and be nice all day. A bad dream can you leave you moody and restless. Well the last couple of days have completely screwed me up. Sunday night I had what many people would consider a bad dream. Although upon waking I was energized and felt like I could take on the world. Last night I had a very good dream, but today its left me sad, depressed and listless. I can't believe I should be routing for bad dreams but I don't think I can take many more good ones. I suppose if I had the choice I would much rather not dream at all right now. Reality is far more dramatic. I know part of my problem is the shear amount of work I have to do, and I think its not letting me deal properly with current events in my life. I wish I could say things have gotten much better for me. I think maybe its time to take a long hard look at my life and make some big decisions. It won't be easy but I think it may be the only way I can grow.

Someone once told me they wanted to have "higher highs" in their life. I agree that can be fun. Inherently you can't always live your life in a high; otherwise you have no place to come down to for support. I think we all would like to have a good time but its a balance that makes life possible. If you spend your life running from one 'high' to the next, you'll end up with a life of running, and maybe the people who cared about you the most could not keep up.

Tempest

While I just can't jump in the sack and have a role in the hay, to get over (or deny) my feelings, I have decided it is probably best if I get back out there. This is not to say that I am over anything, or that I am on a crusade for Mr. Right. I just know that I need to make some new friends and rekindle relationships with old ones. Who knows maybe that will be the catalyst for something bigger. While I am starting to enjoy my solitude to a point it is nice to have someone to talk to and share a laugh with.

I have thought about starting like some kind of social club. Just a little get together of sorts for men who want to meet in something other than a club/bar setting. I mean I enjoy movies, books, cooking and board games. Surely there has got be others out there who would enjoy getting together once in a while for a night like that. Not that I plan to use it for my own private dating pool, I just think it would be nice.

The weekend had its ups and downs, and unfortunately it was a more down weekend. It didn't help that I have a lot of extra work to do for my job. I can't wait till a month from now when all my new people are trained and I can take a breather. On the plus side I was able to see my whole family together again for the first time in a while. I just wish I was mentally in a better mood at the time so I could have enjoyed it more.

Anyways just putting it out there, but I was thinking of going into Boston this year for the 4th. I'm so close this year I figure its worth a shot and I have always wanted to see the POPs in person. Anyone care to join?

The Silver Lining

You know sometimes I feel like Doogie Howser writing these things, but I just can't help myself. Anyways yes you can note the time stamp it is correct and it is 3AM in the morning. Now recently I have not been getting that much sleep because it was do to having way to many things on my mind. Tonight its because I was out this late. No Debauchery, yes I was with Brian, and while I am not going to go into details at this time, I'm not going to lie. I know a lot of people have been counseling me as of late, all of it welcome and helpful, but ultimately I know whats best for me and honestly tonight is the first night of the past week if not the past few months where I can go to bed peacefully and get some much needed rest. No Brian and I are not back together, we know that we can't do that right now, we both need time and space, but I do have my best friend back, and in a way that is what matters most.

Until next we meet

I don't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing that I saw Brian yesterday. I would like to think it was a good thing only because I miss him so. On the one hand I feel as if I should cut him out of my life but the other says that we should still stay friends. I wish I could say our talk made more things clear, but I can't say that it did for me. I guess that's OK though because really all I wanted was to make sure my thoughts and feelings were heard and that is exactly what happened. I know we can't be together right now, there is just too much that's gone on that we both have to heal and grow. My problem is that I know we may never be back together, but I want us to get back together eventually. I do not want to hold on to false hopes. We are going to try to be friends, I think he knows that it may be far more harder for me to be friends with him and than vice versa. Maybe this makes me weak. I don't know but I know its what I want. With so much now out of control in my life why should I not be able to do what I want.

I don't know when I'll see him next. I kind of left that up to him. I don't want to monopolize his time. It would not be fair since after all we are no longer together. But at least I know that he wants to see me still, part of me was feeling like he never wanted to see me again. So for right now I'm just going to look forward to my visit to the therapist on Wednesday. I know when I'm not right and need to talk to someone and if there was ever a time now is it. I think he can help me get through this. I just wish it had been couples counseling instead.

Anger

Its one of those naturally occurring stages of grief. Its very powerful but it so empty, nothing good comes out of it and nothing good happens to you when you feel it. Its like cheating on a test, you have the chance of being caught and face punishment, but you do it to get by, knowing full well you won't know the material later on. Right now I'm at the point where I have the cheat sheet in front of me and I'm sitting down to take the test. I really don't want to be angry but I can't help it.

7 years, 7 GOD DAMN YEARS, most likely the best of my life wasted thrown aside without much consideration. No attempt at salvation, we could not even try counseling. You may have been thinking about it for awhile but I haven't. While you've been secretly planning to leave I've given more of my life. Maybe for the sake of what we had invested; you should have agreed to counseling, at least something. How the hell am I suppose to take your word that it will work out for the best, when just one week ago you would tell me you loved me and I meant the world to you.

I know we both say we want to be friends so how am I to believe its true. Am I just fooling myself. Is this just away of robbing me again of all that I should be feeling? If ever we are to be friends you need to take the first step, because the trust is gone. I take my friends very seriously, and don't pick them lightly. I honestly don't want to cut you out of my life but I will if I have to. You say you hurt too, well I doubt its anywhere near as much as me. You lied to me, not once but repeatedly and that I think is what hurts the most. You were my best friend and you completely took advantage of that fact.

Yeah maybe I should have done things differently, but maybe you should have talked to me instead of keeping it all inside. Maybe you should have fixed the problems instead of ignoring them and pretending they'd go away.

So yes I'm mad, mad as hell. I will get back on my feet again and be better for it. But I will know deep down inside that it did not have to end this way, we could have been great together.

The Hardest Things

Of all the things in the past few days the hardest things have been the simplest ones. Specifically going to bed and waking up. At night all the thoughts come in about what happened and what I could have done better, even angrier thoughts work there way in. I also begin to feel sorry for myself. Its at this point I can see why people turn to drugs, alcohol, or in more extreme cases choose to end it all. This pain is persistent and appears to be never ending. In the morning I wake up and feel better for a bout 3 seconds until the startling realization of the past week comes crashing back to me and I'm instantly depressed again.

The other thing is the constant reminders, it could be a TV show, a song, a store, for me its my hand without his ring, it still shows the mark of it sort of like a constant reminder of what I've lost. I have spent the last 7 years working and for us, I don't know how to just live for me. Its always been "What would Brian want to eat?", "What should I do until Brian comes home?", "I need to talk to someone, lets call Brian about this silly/important thing". The hardest thing is "What do I do now?" I don't know what to focus and what to live for. Maybe this is good maybe its a way of making me have to think about me again. I just wish the lesson did not have to be so painful. There were a hundred different ways this could have ended, if it had to at all, why did it have to be this way?

The worse is yet to come though. I have been away from home most of this time. Soon I will have to go back to "our" apartment. The last time I was there I was pretty much paralyzed with grief. Everywhere I turned there was something of his or sentimental. He his suppose to be getting things together to move out but I know he's been working. I know that when I get back there will be his stuff and I will have to sleep alone in "our" bed. Never again to know the warmth of his body while I sleep next to him.

I need to focus on work. Its almost next to impossible to do and I drew a lot of strength and support about work from our relationship. Without it I'm not sure whats going to happen. I wanted to make him proud of me, I did not know that it would make him jealous and resent me. I was doing so well before all this occurred, now it is the only thing I have left to myself. I don't want to ruin that too. I've got all this vacation time to that I had saved so that we could go to all these places and do lots of new things but now I guess I'll be doing them alone. Getting out into the dating scene is the last thing I want to do. I have no interest in other men, I still only want one, but I know now that even if he were to approach me and rescind everything that has happened in the past week I could not in good conscience do it.

At least that is what I tell myself.

Worthless

I say that because that is how I truly feel right now. Is it the hight of irony right now that I am in VT at a friends wedding and have to pretend like my own relationship is as strong as ever when in fact its non existent. I know many of you don't know so let me be the first to tell you. There is no more Brian and Garrett. I wish I could say it was mutual and while I understand now why we are here I can't get over the fact that I have lost my partner and best friend of 7 years. I don't know what the future holds but the chances of an reconciliation I think are gone, and I can't afford to hold on to some glimmer of hope that things will turn out right. I have to take care of myself now, and despite what people may think I have been doing the opposite for the past 7 years.

The hard part is going to be living. While I can occupy my time with things and tasks that make me forget, I can't do it 24/7. I have may be been getting an average of 2 hours sleep the past week a night. Every waking minute leaves me thinking of a fond memory, or a new fear about the future. I am at the best place I have ever been in my career and I could care less right now because I feel worthless. Just like some old rag thats been used up and tossed aside. We talk of still being friends but I don't know, had it been more mutual I would consider it possible. I guess the only thing I have to say is.

Despite everything Brian Ebel I will never forget you and to the day I die, there will always be a special place in my heart for you.

That may sound sad, but it is how I feel. I know we have a lot of mutual friends I hope we can both count on you to be there for us in this time. I don't want anyone to choose sides, although I know it will be hard.