The Fetal Position

That's where I am right now. I was almost able to finish everything at the apartment. Just have some clothes left, and two small boxes. Then just a few things that need to go to the storage unit. Right now though the last 72 hours are taking there toll. I know I have said this before but I am definitely getting movers next time. Of course I don't know where I would go. That is not to say I'm not happy here its just I'm going through a bit "buyer's remorse" I guess. I can deal with many changes but ones that affect my comfort zone are a little harder this would be one of them. I am not sure what I am doing this weekend yet. It will be the first weekend in about a month where I have not been running around. Maybe I'll go on a little trip up north with my camera. Who knows? I know I have some plans Thursday night that I'm looking forward to so things should be looking up. Anyways too tired to type anymore. Talk to you all tomorrow.

I Ache

This is exactly why I have been loosing weight and I would not be surprised if I lost another 10 lbs in the last 48 hours. I have managed to get most of the stuff done. Whats left is just a few clothes and odds and ends at the apartment. I just need to go clean it and take out some trash and that can all be done tomorrow and maybe Wednesday as well. I have no desire to completely wipe myself out again. Its bad enough I need to go to work tomorrow. I know I will be hurting so I'm starting with the Ibuprofen right now. Of course now I have another concern, what the hell am I going to eat. I have no idea what is around here and I have no desire to walk or drive at the moment so starving maybe in my future tonight. I know that sounds bad, but I still need to build my bed for tonight. With my luck if I go out Thor will decide to send another thunderstorm, since i managed to be doused twice today. I was fortunate enough to have some unexpected help today as well and even if people could only do a few things it was still very appreciated. Also they were able to turn the elevator back on, because at first it could have been a couple of days that is was going to be out.

OK thats all for now hopefully tomorrow I will have something more profound to say, right now just too damn tired.

Mission Extended

First off let me just apologize to my readers for my last post. It was a little meaner than I intended it to be. That is not I wanted and not what I have been working on for months to become. Needless to say I will try to keep my future posts more pleasant.

Second an update on the move. Its about 70% of the way done. Because of the damage done to the apartment building we did get power restored, however not to the elevator. I tried to switch my appointment with u-haul but they were still going to charge me so I just decided to go ahead and do as much as possible. Most of my working crew had emergencies that need to be attended to and without much contact info I had not many people I could call. Luckily my friend Mark was still able to show up. It was good that he did because I almost scrapped the whole thing and made reservations with movers. But thanks mainly in part to him and his can do attitude we plowed through and got it done. We focused mainly on the stuff for the storage unit, and got that squared away but because it took us so much time we had to be bring the u-haul back before we could make a trip to the apartment. I brought over a couple of necessities to get through the night but we are going to have finish tomorrow. As much as I hate to do it I had to take the time from work. This weekend has almost been a comedy of errors. Even now I sit here drained and I can't help but smile and feel a sense of accomplishment. This morning I was worried that we couldn't do it, now I'm much better and can't believe we did as much as we did. I know Mark has earned a lifetime supply of shoes though.

Anyways lets hope the elevators are working tomorrow cause one way or another it is all done.

Local Storm Report

07/28/2007 0420 PM

Natick, Middlesex County.

Thunderstorm wind damage, reported by amateur radio.


Roof blown off an apartment building on Main Street... and
many trees down across town... and one tree into a house.


That report was taken from the National Weather Service.

As it would figure the apartment building mentioned was/is my building. I was not there when it happened in fact I was only about 3 minutes away. I had just left to got to that party. More about that later. I hit the storm straight on with my car not realizing what I was driving into and what was going on back at the apartment. Route 135 looked like a war zone there were trees down, poles down, things on fire from wires, flooding, and what I could only suspect was roofing and siding from a nearby house. It was bad and driving at one point almost became impossible. Then as quickly as it started it was over.

Apparently here at the apartment though it was a much different story. That tree they talked about also took out an electrical pole with a transformer. So there was no power. Since the roof came off and the rain was so bad water made it all the way down through the building from the 4th floor. Fortunately my apartment was spared. As much as this has messed up my plans for tomorrow I can't help but think how lucky I was. It could have been worse. There was no water damage and that large tree that fell also crashed into a house, so all in all as inconvenient as it has made some things. Its not the end of the world.

I had a good break though from work, I went to my friends Jeff and Sean house where Jeff and I then went to Moe's 30th birthday party. It was good to see everyone. Many of them I have not seen since before all the unpleasantness so needless to say its been months. Yes what I alluded to in the previous post did happen though, but I think I handled it well. I wish I could say I was surprised but I wasn't I was almost expecting. I went anyways because my friends are important to me and I wanted to be there with them.

I don't know if its ignorance or heartlessness, most likely a mixture of both. Brian was there with his new friend. I know its his right to do what he wants but one would think you would want to exhibit a bit of decorum, but alas I may be giving to much credit. I also know I'm not alone in thinking that. But most people don't know that during the past few weeks I have been trying to maintain my distance while still keeping the notion of being friends. It was particularly hard for me this morning upon finding lots of mixed photos that I needed to go through to separate whose photos are whose. After this afternoon's events though, I know longer have to worry about it, because I've answered the question: "If he doesn't care then why should I?" Actually he answered the question for me, and with that realization this will be the last time I mention him here. Who knew that after 7 years we end up like this. Such is the case though and I hope that one day when he actually does grow up he realizes what he's lost. Maybe I'll have forgiven him by then.

Zero Hour

Well after an impromptu dinner with Jim, the keys to my place are in hand. Well I've reached zero hour and its time to move. I'll have a little bit of a break today by attending my friend Moe's birthday party. Of course the Weather Gods seem to be up to there tricks again. Whenever Jeff and Moe decide to have a party, there is usually more than 50% chance that it ends up raining that day. Sometimes we even get a thunderstorm. It would seem that today is going to be no different. I'm sure we'll all have fun. At least I hope.

There is one thing that I'm nervous about but I'm not even going to mention right now. If it happens it happens and I'll deal with it then.


Just finishing up packing and doing some laundry today so that I can move tomorrow. It would appear now the moving crew seems to be shrinking. It's ok really I feel badly for those that have had to bow out, they all have had serious emergencies that have come up and my best wishes to them and there families. I still should have enough people it just means we'll work a bit harder, so I'll just have to feed them more. LOL

I'm not sure how quickly I'll be back online but you'll know as soon as I am. I won't be disconnecting from here permanently until tomorrow so feel free to write e-mails and IM.

Omnia Causa Fiunt

No I didn't crack into the booze. I make it a rule never to drink alone. The above is Latin roughly translated it means "Everything Happens for a Reason". While I may not agree with a great many things that have happened to me during the past year, I do need to pay credence to the fact that I am learning more about myself than I think I have in the past 3 decades I've been on this earth.

Doors are opening for me in different directions that I never thought would be possible to me a year ago. Some of those doors will work out some won't but I will explore them just the same. Someone once told me about the desire for possibilities well I have more possibilities than I can count at the moment. Even a few short weeks ago I thought my cup of life was quite empty, now it seems to be full to the brim. Yeah there is some activity focused around the move but that's just busy work, there are so many plans and activities I have planned I don't know how I can do it all now. Even the move itself was eye opening. As painful as it is and the reason why it needed to be it showed me who my friends are and who I can in fact count on.

I thought no one was going to be around because face it. Its the middle of summer and who wants to do that. Well I have had more volunteers from friends, family, and even more importantly friends I really did not know I even had. To all that are able to help you have my gratitude and have renewed my faith in people. That may sound ridiculously sappy but coming from someone who was once branded a pessimist its high praise.

I am starting to feel reborn again. Days are getting easier to get through, and while the scars are still there, I can see that I'm not bleeding anymore. Four more days are left until I officially move, and to be honest I welcome the change it brings now. At first I thought it was born out of necessity now I view it as the next big challenge in my life. One that I can embrace. An adventure to explored.

Not to say it won't be tough, but I am learning that I have friends and many more than I realized. I think its because I usually try to do right by everyone I meet. So these new friendships that are blossoming all over are exactly what I needed. I know this so sickeningly sweet, but the point I'm trying to make is this.

Boston here I come.

What is Meebo

You will notice the addition 0f Meebo to my page. What is Meebo? Well its a sight that allows you to sign on to all of your online accounts that you use for instant messaging so you only have to be signed on in one place. It also allows me to create little widgets to talk to anyone over IM that is visting my pages. All one would have to do is type a message and Bam I have it and if I'm there I can talk back to you. Cool isn't it? And you don't even need to have an account anywhere. You may just want to let me know who is IM'ing me because all it tells me is that you are a guest to my page.

The Final Countdown

Is on. One week left until I move. Still a lot to get done, but I am confident that it will go off without a hitch. Tomorrow I will get the storage unit and be visiting the book stop. Tonight I work until 8 so that puts a damper on most things. But I have started to hash out ideas of things that I want to do once I move. Things that are fun. I have already decided to go back to my photography, but I am also considering writing a book. I mean I have read so many I figure I should be able to slap a couple of things together to tell a good story. I know that I have experienced alot of things in my good and bad so that I can describe them with an ounce of truth.

I figure the hardest part is going to come from what type of story I want to tell. For a long time I always talked with people about making a movie. I always thought the experiences my friends and I had in college could be made into film. I'm sure once I start putting the ideas down something will come to me.

Well I've stopped by and dropped off my first and last month's rent with Jim (my new roommate). I'm excited and anxious all at the same time. I think it will work out for the best, Jim and the apartment seemed to come out of nowhere so I'm thinking this is sort of what I was meant to do. The other good news is my Charlie Card arrived today. So soon I'll be able to roll into Boston on the T without having to worry about exact change. Plus there is also a discount if you use the Charlie Card as opposed to the pre paid tickets.

Home Again

I think this has got to be some kind of record for me. I don't think I have ever made so many trips out to see my parents in years. I think I've seen them at least once every week since the beginning of June. That's not bad mind you its just that when they moved even further out to Charlton I thought I would be visiting less and not more. Anyways today's trip is to bring out the Christmas tree that was sitting in the apartment. There is no way I'm going to need it in my new place and neither do I want to keep it in the storage unit. It is a fake tree but it is a nice one and there is no point in getting rid of it. Other than that I have gotten alot done but there is still more to do. I need to still get rid of a lot of stuff in the Kitchen and pack the stuff I would like to keep. I also need to take a trip to Annie's Book Swap in Ashland. I have boxes of books that I am getting rid of because I don't need or want them anymore. I don't know what if anything I will get for them, but my main goal is to get rid of them in the first place so anything else will be icing on the cake.

A couple of people who I talk to on a daily basis have mentioned why I haven't been talking about the dates I've been on recently. Well my answer is two fold. Usually they don't know I blog so it would be unfair to them to all of a sudden find themselves on here, and second while I do like to share my experiences and observations there are some things that need to be kept private. That being said if there are any big developments you'll be in the know, but really you don't want to know about every detail of my dating life.

Second thought it may provide you a laugh. LOL. So I'll say this. Those of you that are reading this that are straight have it easy. Because when its two guys there's always the question of who pays, and who asks who. The Equality can be nice but its damn weird at times. But such is love. Anyways time to go haul the tree away. Talk to you all later.

Moving Day

It is fast approaching. I'm getting stuff ready to go now so next weekend it won't be so bad. I am utterly amazed at the stuff I have, and the progress I have made to down size it all. I still need to get some storage which I will do today. I have decided not to part with my comic book collection just yet. I was talking with someone and they reminded me that I may not want to get rid of something now that I will regret later. They were right I may have no interest now, but that's mostly do to my current frame of mind. I may be making changes in my life and taking it new directions, but I can't fundamentally change who I am. So for now they stay not so much out of investment purposes but more for what they mean to me. It sounds silly but I would regret it if I got rid of them. So they will be going off to storage. I think I'll actually get them taken care of this weekend. I also need to make a trip back out to Charlton this weekend to bring the Christmas tree to my Mom's (yes its fake but its a good one).

All this is leading to next weekend when I actually move. I am planning to get a U-Haul for next Sunday, and if you haven't seen my post on Myspace then you should know I'm looking for help moving. Right now its just me and my new roommate, and I may have a couple of friends with tentative plans to help but the way I figure it the more people I get to lend a hand the faster it will go for everyone. So if you have some time next Sunday let me know and I can promise you that you will be fed, and would have my gratitude. Of course I understand if people have plans but I would not be asking if I didn't need the help.

Other than that I think things are going well. I'm finding things to do to occupy my time, and I am going to get back into my photography. That way I'll be prepared this fall to snap away some good pictures. My parents house is out in Charlton and there seems to be a nice state park there with a lake that I am hoping is going to look great this fall. The weight loss is something else I am going to continue with. I know I am feeling better physically and apparently do to my success I have inspired a couple of other people. I had no idea I could have that impact. I guess we'll see where this goes. I am sure I will do well, where I am moving to has a reservoir that I can walk around right across the street, and since I will be spending time in Boston I will be walking around a lot. Next thing would be to join a gym and focus on building up some muscle. Of course I say this and just saw a commercial for the Phantom Gourmet food festival. I suppose if I'm good I can treat myself.

Alright enough chatting I got to go continue packing.

A Moment of Selfishness

I think I can be a little selfish since it is my blog and all.

One of the things I have been missing has got to be my support system. I think thats causing a lot of the troubles I have been having lately. Its probably a sign that I had a faulty support system in place to begin with, but there is nothing I can do about it now. I guess I did not realize how much I counted on him and was able to draw support from him. Its just been a particularly bad day at work and this afternoon does not look to be much better. Normally I would be able to go home and talk about it but thats no longer an option. It stings. I know I had a good time last night but all those good feelings I had this morning were all washed away right now.

I have this incredible sinking feeling in my gut that I can't explain and it has nothing to do with the morning I have been having. I guess its just a bad day overall and we are all entitled to them. Maybe this is just something I need to get used to. I have friends and family that I can talk to but its not the same. Just something else thats lost now. You know just when you think you are starting to get better something always comes around to make you feel worse. Sorry if it sounds depressing but thats the way I feel right now.

So I am not quite sure what to do right now. I don't want to have to need him in my life. Especially since he's made it abundantly clear that he does not need or want me in his. There's lyric out there which has been repeated recently maybe because it sums up how I feel : "They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting."

Replacement vs. Succeeding

OK so what was once good yesterday is now mixed emotions with me today. It is a good thing that I am branching out on my own again. It is a good thing that I am moving on. It is a good thing that I am trying to stay in touch with all my friends. However, the events of the past weekend resulted as you know with me finding a place to live. Soon the shoes I sell and I will have one thing in common. We'll both be Bostonians. Its seems fitting really. This new development though has caused me to conjure up quite a but more emotions than I had planned on and today has been an especially difficult day for me. The realization that all that I know is coming to an end has caused me to be excited for the future but sad for the past I leave behind. I know there are things I will be bringing forward with me but there are some significant parts of me that will be left behind. That loss, that nostalgia is hitting me hard.

Its only highlighted by the fact that I am having a resurgence of emotions about being replaced. I have to keep telling myself that I am a special and unique individual, and that I can never be replaced, someone can only succeed me. There are things that I alone can offer someone, and if they choose to accept it than all the better for them. For Brian though I hope that one day he realizes what it was that I offered, maybe it will make him come to his senses; maybe it won't. My goal is to be the best person I can be though.

As long as I stay true to myself someone will recognize that. I can be strong, but I can also be quite sensitive. I may not be the life of the party but I'll know exactly how to make that drink you like. I'll make mistakes but I will fight like hell to correct them, and make sure that they don't happen again. I still have a long way to go though in reclaiming my identity. Right now the common question going through my mind is "Who am I?". I feel as if a big chunk of my identity is gone. I need to reclaim it. I remember how things were like before when I was in school so I am kind of reclaiming that feeling again. I am starting to look on this experience as a new beginning just like when I went to school. I met so many wonderful people who all enriched my life in so many ways. I was happy and sad, I laughed and cried, I lost and loved, but most importantly I lived. I would not have traded that away for anything.

I will be fine, I can and will move on. I will love again and when that happens my life will be full again, but until then I will wait. I will wait for whatever it is that is suppose to happen to me happen. I may be steering myself down the river of life but I do not know what is around the other bend. It could be friend or foe, love or loss, either way its waiting for me and I rather hit it head on.

Plan B - Accomplished

Well I'm happy to report that Plan B is finished. I have secured a new place to live. It will give me everything I need plus it should allow me to save money. That way if necessary I can replace the car and more importantly save up for a place of my own. That is one of the things I have on the horizon that I want to work on.

Now all thats left to do is finish packing and move. Its odd it feels like the end of an era or a chapter in a book. I guess I'm just going to have to turn the page and see what happens.

Packing

Of all the moves I've done over the years this one has been the easiest and in the same breadth I can say it was the most painful. I can't help but feel a certain finality, maybe that's a good thing. I am by no means happy about any of it. I'd rather not be doing it in the first place and but such is life I suppose. You move on and you learn from your mistakes. I'm just hoping a certain someone gets his act together soon to coordinate getting his stuff before it gets ugly.

Other updates: No I do not have a new place yet. I am working on that again today. I am visiting a place on the Newton/Brighton Line which I will say sounds quite promising. so lets all cross our fingers. The result of that will decide whether or not I get a storage unit. It may be best just for the time being to get one though. We'll see.

Last night I got to spend some time with my friends Nikki and Mario, I was able to purchase a new cookbook and we able to talk more about their impending nuptials. We were going over the guest list and I was getting excited to see all my friends again. This time I'll be in a much better mood, because you can't get much more worse than what I was the last time I saw them.

Friday I went out to dinner with my friends Mark and Michelle. That was a good time and I hope to see them again soon. It was a rather big night of revelation for them as they had not heard about Brian and I yet. It was good that they still wanted to go out though, because I do consider them friends and I would rather not lose any friends if that is even possible.

Alright time to continue with the packing, talk to you later.

Aggravation

Why am I aggravated?

Because right now I should be heading towards the cape. I should be enjoying myself today. Having fun and with any luck I was going to meet a friend that I had been chatting with online for a while. I'm not saying it would have been a date or anything but at least we would have been able to meet. Plus there were a couple of other people who would have been there who would have been nice to see.

Why can't I do these things, well they are two fold really, and both reasons have to do with one person. Since getting the approval to have my lease dissolved I have been on a mission to get this place empty so that I can leave by Aug.1 . This requires the involvement of a certain individual who still has stuff here. Someone who was suppose to pick stuff up Thursday but never showed or called. Plus it kind of makes it hard to entertain anybody (not that I do it alot). Its an awkward conversation to have with people; "oh by the way please ignore all that stuff by the door, it just belongs to my ex-bf of seven years". Needless to say a bit of a mood killer. So I need to spend the day here and work on stuff since other people can't be bothered to help. I know commitment and responsibility were issues in the past but I would have hoped we could have worked something out for the last two weeks. Especially when I'm doing this for him as much as I am doing it for me.

I know why it has not been picked up since. Which leads to the second reason I am not going to P-Town. Apparently he is there with his new "companion" ( I call him that because I don't have any other word to describe it that isn't rude). Its nice to know that he could actually get time off when he really needs to. I am not going because I know its a small place I will run into him there, and most likely he will not be alone. That I don't need or want. I had been planning on this for awhile. He was not and so yeah I was a bit pissed when he told me. Well I shouldn't really expect anything less after all he wants to have fun. I'm just some poor schmuck that likes doing chores. Of course I like to have fun too!!! which is why I am so ticked right now.

But I know how to act like a responsible person. So I am going to get my day started and take care of stuff so that I can have fun too eventually.

Plan A - Mission Accomplsihed

Well some of the plans that I was alluding to in previous posts have come to fruition. I have gotten my management company at my apartment to dissolve my lease. Why might you ask? Well there definitely are financial concerns and even though a lease was signed by both of us I neither had the desire to enforce it or the will to do so. It would not have been good for either of us. So I am now in a scramble to get things organized, pack, and ultimately move out. That is what I'll be doing most of this weekend. The first half though (saturday) I'm going to be heading down to the P-Town for a little R&R and maybe finally see a friend I have been chatting with for months. Who knows? Its sort of a small place though I sure I'll bump into someone I know.

Oh by the way the answer is no. I don't know where I'm going to go after I move out. Does that bother me. Amazingly no. This apartment even for only being for 4 months, has too many memories, good and bad. So If anyone knows of anyone looking for a roommate let me know. I went to one place tonight but parking was tough, and living was tight, not that I should expect anything different in Boston, but it was just not a good fit, but it wasn't bad for my first shot out. I'm sure I'll find something soon.

Mellow

That pretty much describes my mood at the moment. I have come down off of yesterdays high and am just mellow right now. I've had to time to think about the plan and I'm good with it for now. No going back. Don't get me wrong I'm happy about my future but I can still be sad for my past. There's no band-aide in the world that can fix it permanently, so I just have to deal with it as I move on.

Some good news to report. I was able to get in touch with my uncle who I have not seen in years, I'm going to say it has been at least 20. Anyways he's got a successful tattoo business for himself out in Northampton, MA. I decided that if I'm going to get my tattoo it should be someone from my family who does it before a complete stranger. He's happy that I got in touch with him and I know he'll be able to help me make the finishing touches on my designs. This should be exciting.

I think I am going to get to bed early tonight for a change, I'm actually tired and I am going to take full advantage of that fact and get some rest.

Good Night

Shake, Rattle, and Roll

So today was no small annoyance either. I had to take a sick day to get some things done. First to see the Dr. about my throat, and next to bring my car in to the shop. Trust me I would have rather gone to work. As busy as it is, at least it is rewarding. My good news stemmed from the fact that my throat should be better on its own in a few days. I'll spare you the details, all that need be said is that involved my tonsils, and I need to watch and see if anything like it happens again because if so I may need to get them removed. Yes that was the good news. Then I was off to drop my car off at the dealership because it needed a new oil pan since the old one's valve had been stripped making it impossible for anyone to change the oil. The VW dealership quoted me about $450. It was a hard pill to swallow. So I took there complimentary shuttle back home to await news of my car. I did and it was not long before they called me back and let me know that they did have the part in stock, but told me that gasket from my transmission had broke, and needed to be replaced. That was going to be another $350 if I wanted to fix it. I was not in a position to question it because I have know that there was something going on with the transmission as well. So it would come to just over $800 dollars. So I agreed and asked if there was anything he could do to bring down the cost it would be appreciated since its been a rough month.

So I went into the bills to see where I could pull the money from. I noticed that most of my credit cards have recently upped my limits again. Which is nice cause I don't keep balances on them. At least until today. However that will be paid off by the end of the month as I depleted the last of my savings account. I will also be paid at the end of the week, yeah!! This once a month thing is a killer. I needed to know however how much it was all going to be left after the bills, and I stumbled on a bill or two that I did not count on. So after fixing that issue with a phone call I know I can clear this month now. I hate this, I worked so hard to get where I am and my world has been turned upside down. I may not have had much control over it but I have complete control in how I take my life from here on out and today I got fed up.

After the bill situation I went and read and fell asleep. I dreamed. Of course if you've been reading my blog you know what I dream about. I can't tell you why today's was different but it was. I started dreaming about him again, and in the dream this time we were back together or we were never apart I'm not sure, and he mentioned that he wanted to go to sleep and headed for the bedroom. I think I was either not fully asleep, or I became lucid in order to control it. But I said no, not again, and it stopped. Right before I woke though I had an image of something which I can't remember now but the image was powerful enough to shock me awake, and give me a sense of purpose again.

I'm not going into details now. I just know that for too long my life has been out of my control, people making decisions for me on how I should live, where, and what to do. Living for someone who obviously had no appreciation for me or the Love I was capable of giving. People have given me plenty of punches lately and I've taken just about all of them, but now its time to roll with them. My world was shaken to the core. I think its time I shake up again only this time in my favor. I can't go on like this. I feel like I am trying to drive a car down the street with only half of its parts. Its moving but its not pretty and its not getting anywhere fast. Its time to trade up for something new. I have done it before. I have reinvented myself several times before and each time I do it I come out that much better. I can't say exactly whats happening, but I know today I took the first steps.

I spent the rest of my day deciding on what to do as I walked to the Natick Commuter Rail, and took it to Wellesley so I could pick up my car. The dealership was able to get it all done for just less than $800 and was able to throw in a few extra things here and there that I was grateful for. As I was driving back I realized my car drove a lot better maybe she does have a few good years still left in her. Thats a bonus for me now. But as I was driving back I was suddenly hit with this sense of freedom. I grabbed on to that feeling as hard as I could, and I decided to take a different way home. I realized that I have everything I need right here in this car, just me. There are things I want, but those things can wait. They are just things after all. I want Love, but its impossible. At least right now. I'm no good to anyone in that department, still need to heal.

A while back I wrote about Karma, and how I believe in it. Also I wrote about how its easily misconstrued to be "you get whats coming to you". Thats not it at all really. Its about surrounding yourself with good things, and doing good things, and living your life the best you know how, and you will be rewarded. Conversely if you do bad things, and turn a blind eye when you can help, than that is all you will see and experience. This also applies to how one treats oneself. I know that things are out of order, I can't ignore it and I am doing the right things to set them straight again. I can only hope that he will do the same for himself, and maybe one day fate will make us cross paths again.

But for right now though its time to be movin' on.

Some Good News to Report

As of today I have lost 39 lbs. This is since February and I have definitely had my ups and downs since then. Thats a little more 6 lbs a month. So I feel good. I know I still have a long way to go, but it gives me the motivation to go on knowing that I can do it for myself. After all I gotta go back on the market soon, and no ones going to want old faty piece of meat :) . I have my eyes set on a nice new jacket and that will be my motivation. I am not going to buy it until I get to my goal but just knowing theres something I'm working toward helps.

Upside Down Kisses . . . Are not easy to forget

Not that I would expect anyone to know the lyrics of that song. You'll never hear it on the radio, but its one of about a thousand different happy memories that I have to bottle up and put on a shelf. God this day has been tough I thought being sick would force me to focus on myself. It did to a point until I started to get better. Still not well so I could not go out. So I just get sit and stew and think about things. ugh this frustrating.

Maybe Romance Should Stay Dead

Now I don't mean flowers and dinner in a small quiet restaurant. I'm talking about the other definitions of romantic :

2.	fanciful; impractical; unrealistic: romantic ideas.

3.	imbued with or dominated by idealism, a desire for adventure, chivalry, etc.

Now I've been called a pessimist on more than one occasion, I simply can't subscribe to that. Pessimist always thinks the worse will happen and is in a constant state of gloom and doom. I was much more an Idealist :

1.	a person who cherishes or pursues high or noble principles, purposes, goals, etc.

2.	a visionary or impractical person.

3.	a person who represents things as they might or should be rather than as they are.

So consequently when things did not live up to my lofty goals or expectations I would get down on myself which I suppose can be viewed as pessimism. Its just that I have had very Romantic ideas of the world driven into my head at a very young age. Ideas of Love, Honor, and Sacrifice. Ideas that I am coming to find do not fit into this world we live in anymore. So many books, movies, and shows deliver these ideas but since you can never follow up beyond the story you always assume things work for the best. Well in the real world this is tragically untrue. Maybe this means I'm becoming jaded. That's the last thing I want. Maybe its my fault for buying in to such high ideals in the first place that I was just kept setting myself up for disappointment. I can't afford to believe in those ideals anymore though, at least right now. I need come to realization that there is no such things as destiny and fate. I have to let them go because right now they are keeping me stuck in the mindset that you know who will be walking through that door any minute now. A very Romantic concept that I can't hold onto because its not helping me get on with my life. Maybe some day someone will restore my beliefs, but right now they are too painful to hold on to.

I know these ideals are down deep in my core though because when I dream its always in very romantic themes: over coming impossible situations, saving the day, and obviously reconciliation of past mistakes. Of course there is one mistake that I keep dreaming about rectifying and I can't understand how if I am to ever get better does my body want me to keep reliving these events and filling my head with scenarios that don't work or will not work. I thought dreams were your bodies way of helping you deal with the powerful things you couldn't totally cope with in the waking world. My dreams are not helping me at all in fact I think they are hurting me, keeping me back from moving on. I can't control them so each night I get to have the same dream and wake up to the harsh reality and no progress has been made. Its difficult, most days I can distract myself by going to work but days like today on a weekend its particularly tough.

On another note. I have always enjoyed Kelly Clarkson, however it wasn't until very recently that I have actually been listening to the lyrics of her songs. Now I can somehow relate to most of the songs in her catalog. Go figure!

Sick

The two things they tell you about being sick is that you need to get rest and drink lots of fluids. Well I've don both all day, and now I can't sleep and just have to pee all the time. To be honest I'm feeling a bit better; still have a sore throat but no fever right now. Plus I'm wide awake and its 10 minutes past midnight. I just watched a movie and despite the fact that Nicholas Cage was in it I am not any more tired. I got to tell you I'm rediscovering Netflix and how much I liked it. I just screened National Treasure which was good, next up is The Sound of Thunder and The Good Shepperd. Normally I'd put out the welcome mat and see if anyone wanted to watch them with me, but since I love you all too much to give you the plague we'll have to settle on movie night another time.

There's also something about being sick that makes you focus on yourself and I need that just about now. In fact I'm almost welcoming it because it gets my mind off of other things. However my dreams are always more vivid when I'm sick and thats not necessarily a good thing with the dreams I have been having lately. Well I'm going to try and get some shut eye now, so I'll talk to you all later.

An Update: Christmas in July, And what to do with Nick

Well apparently yesterday was not only the 4th but Christmas because I received a gift. I think the combination of cold, rain, and my current emotional state left we wide open to catching something. I know I did. I'm not sick now, but I see the signs and feel it coming on. I need to stock up on more vitamin water. I knew something was not right when I got up this morning and was tired even after getting a full nights sleep. Then the office is cold, the office is never cold. I'm here in a long sleeve shirt and I'm freezing. I can feel the scratchiness in my throat and general aches and pains. Oh well I should have expected it. Lets hope its the 24 hour type.

Then there is Nick. I don't know whats going on but its not the same between us anymore. I've known Nick for about 5 years now and I see him often, sometimes more than once a week in the summer. Lately though he's lost something and my interest is really beginning to wane. His prices keep going up while his services are becoming boring. Oh did I tell you the Nick's is a restaurant by my work? :) I don't know if I had anyone fooled or not but I guess it may be the cold coming on I'm getting a little punchy. Anyways yes Nick's is becoming not so special anymore, the thing that disappoints me is his grilled chicken. Today I got it in a wrap different than the salad I would normally get. It was not fresh like usual because usually I will patiently wait for some fresh grilled chicken. I also think he changed the marinade, a little overboard on the oregano and not enough on the garlic. Its not like this is the first time he's disappointed me several times in the past and I guess its my fault for going back. I guess if I can pony up the money at Nick's now I can go over to the Depot more.

Talk to you all later.

Worst 4th of July Ever

I can't imagine a worse 4th of July that I have had.

Seriously and I have had some bang up ones but this one takes the cake. It doesn't help that this is the first major holiday that I've had being single. Let me tell you it sucks ass. Everything that I thought would cheer me up brought me down, and with the exception of seeing my friend Nikki the day was a total wash. I'll spare you the details but needless to say I ended up locking myself out of my apartment, so guess who I had to see since our office is closed to Monday.

Since nothing could be coordinated I ended up going back and forth to Boston, and when i finally arrived at the Esplanade I knew there was no way I was going to get a good seat for the POPS. So I settled on what I thought would be an OK place to hear them and would be a great place to view the fireworks. It was cool and rainy and I sat under a tree so I didn't get so wet, and tried to pretend as if I was enjoying myself. I could barely hear the music since most people around me did not care about it and talked the entire time. Then came the 1812 overture which everyone knew so they all shut up. It finished with a small display of fireworks, in a different direction than I was facing because the view was then blocked by trees and a bridge.

Everyone else then realized where exactly they were going to happen and wanted to move so instant stampede. I said screw it and was not going to bother with the crowd and walked back to my car in the rain listening to my i-pod, and tried not get trampled. As I left Boston I could see them in the rear view mirror, and thought maybe next year. Then I added an addendum, maybe next year as long as I have someone cause I was the only guy there by myself which added a whole new level of depression. I had wanted to go do something so I could get out there and forget about the fact that I was single not highlight the fact.

People have been telling me how I need to get out there. I am trust me and what I have found so far is not encouraging. I am not sure if its problematic throughout "my people" or just a sign of the times but it would appear that Romance is dead. Everyone expects you to give it up on site, and quite frankly that is starting to repulse me. Being asked to dinner is just that nothing more. So I guess I'm going to say that I am giving up for a while on trying to find anyone and try to concentrate on my career. I did that once and love found me (or what I thought was love). Not that I'm going to become a hermit or anything but it drains to much energy. Maybe because I know I'm not meeting the right people, maybe its the fact that I'm holding on to something I shouldn't, I wish I knew the answer.

I'm thinking about hosting some kind of dinner party soon once I get the place to where I like it. Nothing fancy maybe just some hors d'ouvres.

That's enough lamenting for a while. Hopefully I'll be in a better mood for my next post.

More Than Meets the Eye

Now lets put aside the fact that I utterly loved transformers as a kid and that I wanted every single one of them. Lets put aside the fact that I saw the movie like 3 times when it came out back in the 80's and that each time I think I cried a little each time I saw Prime die.

(yes this is one of those moments where I will completely geek out)

I just came back from the latest Transformer movie. I have to say when I first heard that they were going to make another movie and that it would be live action I remember rolling my eyes thinking about how they were going to ruin it. I didn't think CGI was up to doing it. Then I heard that Michael Bay was doing it and I had images of Pearl Harbor and then I thought how much of a bomb it was going to be. I purposely did not watch many previews or behind the scenes things to spoil the movie that I knew regardless of how bad it was going to be I would have seen anyways. Come on after all I did see both Fantastic Four movies.

Then I started hearing rumors that they were going to get the guy who originally voiced Prime to do the movie, that was a plus. Then I heard Ludicris was going to be the voice of Megatron that was a minus but then it changed to Hugo Weaving so that improved that. Now I guess the choice of vehicles did not bother me that much. Bumblebee not being a VW beetle was different but it did not loose anything with the way it was written. There was a nice homage to the beetler though. In fact it looked there were a lot of little things they wrote in for fans.

The story was good too, for an action sci-fi flick. All in all it turned out to be ONE SWEET ASS MOTHER FUCKING MOVIE. For those of you that know me thats high praise since its not often I swear. Afterwards part of me was hoping that I would walk out to my car and it would start talking to me. I wonder what the robot version of red jetta would look like? So if any of you are on the fence about the movie just know that I loved and would definetly see it again.

Its All or Nothing

Something I never realized was how people could be in a relationship with someone and at the end of that relationship they could be so distant to almost despise one another.

That is until now. Maybe it has something to do with how much of ourselves we put into a relationship that once it fails; it does so much harm its the only way we can deal. I've talked to many people over the years and the consensus has always been that if you break up you may never speak together again. That always puzzled me. You invest so much in a relationship even if it did end how could you not want to salvage something. How you can go from being with someone and planning to spend the rest of your life with them, to treating them as an enemy was beyond my understanding. I'm not talking about a casual fling but if you had a good relationship going how can it be all or nothing at all.

Maybe it has something to do with how the relationship ends. If it ends with betrayal and hurt then that distance that grows, grows out of a need to protect oneself. You can not shut off your feelings for someone like a switch. If you could; then relationships would end all the time, and no one would hurt. Maybe its the fact that you love someone so much and you feel so hurt you have no choice but to build that wall to protect yourself even if its the last thing you want to do.

I'm building that wall even though I don't want to. It would be easier if I didn't care so damn much, but then if I didn't care so much there wouldn't be much need for it in the first place. I don't want to make my best friend my enemy, but I don't want to be hurt anymore. Maybe a solution will present itself, until then I take it day by day.

By the way this post would have been sooner had I not got a phone call in the middle of writing it. You know who you are!