The Hardest Things

Of all the things in the past few days the hardest things have been the simplest ones. Specifically going to bed and waking up. At night all the thoughts come in about what happened and what I could have done better, even angrier thoughts work there way in. I also begin to feel sorry for myself. Its at this point I can see why people turn to drugs, alcohol, or in more extreme cases choose to end it all. This pain is persistent and appears to be never ending. In the morning I wake up and feel better for a bout 3 seconds until the startling realization of the past week comes crashing back to me and I'm instantly depressed again.

The other thing is the constant reminders, it could be a TV show, a song, a store, for me its my hand without his ring, it still shows the mark of it sort of like a constant reminder of what I've lost. I have spent the last 7 years working and for us, I don't know how to just live for me. Its always been "What would Brian want to eat?", "What should I do until Brian comes home?", "I need to talk to someone, lets call Brian about this silly/important thing". The hardest thing is "What do I do now?" I don't know what to focus and what to live for. Maybe this is good maybe its a way of making me have to think about me again. I just wish the lesson did not have to be so painful. There were a hundred different ways this could have ended, if it had to at all, why did it have to be this way?

The worse is yet to come though. I have been away from home most of this time. Soon I will have to go back to "our" apartment. The last time I was there I was pretty much paralyzed with grief. Everywhere I turned there was something of his or sentimental. He his suppose to be getting things together to move out but I know he's been working. I know that when I get back there will be his stuff and I will have to sleep alone in "our" bed. Never again to know the warmth of his body while I sleep next to him.

I need to focus on work. Its almost next to impossible to do and I drew a lot of strength and support about work from our relationship. Without it I'm not sure whats going to happen. I wanted to make him proud of me, I did not know that it would make him jealous and resent me. I was doing so well before all this occurred, now it is the only thing I have left to myself. I don't want to ruin that too. I've got all this vacation time to that I had saved so that we could go to all these places and do lots of new things but now I guess I'll be doing them alone. Getting out into the dating scene is the last thing I want to do. I have no interest in other men, I still only want one, but I know now that even if he were to approach me and rescind everything that has happened in the past week I could not in good conscience do it.

At least that is what I tell myself.