Shake, Rattle, and Roll

So today was no small annoyance either. I had to take a sick day to get some things done. First to see the Dr. about my throat, and next to bring my car in to the shop. Trust me I would have rather gone to work. As busy as it is, at least it is rewarding. My good news stemmed from the fact that my throat should be better on its own in a few days. I'll spare you the details, all that need be said is that involved my tonsils, and I need to watch and see if anything like it happens again because if so I may need to get them removed. Yes that was the good news. Then I was off to drop my car off at the dealership because it needed a new oil pan since the old one's valve had been stripped making it impossible for anyone to change the oil. The VW dealership quoted me about $450. It was a hard pill to swallow. So I took there complimentary shuttle back home to await news of my car. I did and it was not long before they called me back and let me know that they did have the part in stock, but told me that gasket from my transmission had broke, and needed to be replaced. That was going to be another $350 if I wanted to fix it. I was not in a position to question it because I have know that there was something going on with the transmission as well. So it would come to just over $800 dollars. So I agreed and asked if there was anything he could do to bring down the cost it would be appreciated since its been a rough month.

So I went into the bills to see where I could pull the money from. I noticed that most of my credit cards have recently upped my limits again. Which is nice cause I don't keep balances on them. At least until today. However that will be paid off by the end of the month as I depleted the last of my savings account. I will also be paid at the end of the week, yeah!! This once a month thing is a killer. I needed to know however how much it was all going to be left after the bills, and I stumbled on a bill or two that I did not count on. So after fixing that issue with a phone call I know I can clear this month now. I hate this, I worked so hard to get where I am and my world has been turned upside down. I may not have had much control over it but I have complete control in how I take my life from here on out and today I got fed up.

After the bill situation I went and read and fell asleep. I dreamed. Of course if you've been reading my blog you know what I dream about. I can't tell you why today's was different but it was. I started dreaming about him again, and in the dream this time we were back together or we were never apart I'm not sure, and he mentioned that he wanted to go to sleep and headed for the bedroom. I think I was either not fully asleep, or I became lucid in order to control it. But I said no, not again, and it stopped. Right before I woke though I had an image of something which I can't remember now but the image was powerful enough to shock me awake, and give me a sense of purpose again.

I'm not going into details now. I just know that for too long my life has been out of my control, people making decisions for me on how I should live, where, and what to do. Living for someone who obviously had no appreciation for me or the Love I was capable of giving. People have given me plenty of punches lately and I've taken just about all of them, but now its time to roll with them. My world was shaken to the core. I think its time I shake up again only this time in my favor. I can't go on like this. I feel like I am trying to drive a car down the street with only half of its parts. Its moving but its not pretty and its not getting anywhere fast. Its time to trade up for something new. I have done it before. I have reinvented myself several times before and each time I do it I come out that much better. I can't say exactly whats happening, but I know today I took the first steps.

I spent the rest of my day deciding on what to do as I walked to the Natick Commuter Rail, and took it to Wellesley so I could pick up my car. The dealership was able to get it all done for just less than $800 and was able to throw in a few extra things here and there that I was grateful for. As I was driving back I realized my car drove a lot better maybe she does have a few good years still left in her. Thats a bonus for me now. But as I was driving back I was suddenly hit with this sense of freedom. I grabbed on to that feeling as hard as I could, and I decided to take a different way home. I realized that I have everything I need right here in this car, just me. There are things I want, but those things can wait. They are just things after all. I want Love, but its impossible. At least right now. I'm no good to anyone in that department, still need to heal.

A while back I wrote about Karma, and how I believe in it. Also I wrote about how its easily misconstrued to be "you get whats coming to you". Thats not it at all really. Its about surrounding yourself with good things, and doing good things, and living your life the best you know how, and you will be rewarded. Conversely if you do bad things, and turn a blind eye when you can help, than that is all you will see and experience. This also applies to how one treats oneself. I know that things are out of order, I can't ignore it and I am doing the right things to set them straight again. I can only hope that he will do the same for himself, and maybe one day fate will make us cross paths again.

But for right now though its time to be movin' on.