OK so what was once good yesterday is now mixed emotions with me today. It is a good thing that I am branching out on my own again. It is a good thing that I am moving on. It is a good thing that I am trying to stay in touch with all my friends. However, the events of the past weekend resulted as you know with me finding a place to live. Soon the shoes I sell and I will have one thing in common. We'll both be Bostonians. Its seems fitting really. This new development though has caused me to conjure up quite a but more emotions than I had planned on and today has been an especially difficult day for me. The realization that all that I know is coming to an end has caused me to be excited for the future but sad for the past I leave behind. I know there are things I will be bringing forward with me but there are some significant parts of me that will be left behind. That loss, that nostalgia is hitting me hard.
Its only highlighted by the fact that I am having a resurgence of emotions about being replaced. I have to keep telling myself that I am a special and unique individual, and that I can never be replaced, someone can only succeed me. There are things that I alone can offer someone, and if they choose to accept it than all the better for them. For Brian though I hope that one day he realizes what it was that I offered, maybe it will make him come to his senses; maybe it won't. My goal is to be the best person I can be though.
As long as I stay true to myself someone will recognize that. I can be strong, but I can also be quite sensitive. I may not be the life of the party but I'll know exactly how to make that drink you like. I'll make mistakes but I will fight like hell to correct them, and make sure that they don't happen again. I still have a long way to go though in reclaiming my identity. Right now the common question going through my mind is "Who am I?". I feel as if a big chunk of my identity is gone. I need to reclaim it. I remember how things were like before when I was in school so I am kind of reclaiming that feeling again. I am starting to look on this experience as a new beginning just like when I went to school. I met so many wonderful people who all enriched my life in so many ways. I was happy and sad, I laughed and cried, I lost and loved, but most importantly I lived. I would not have traded that away for anything.
I will be fine, I can and will move on. I will love again and when that happens my life will be full again, but until then I will wait. I will wait for whatever it is that is suppose to happen to me happen. I may be steering myself down the river of life but I do not know what is around the other bend. It could be friend or foe, love or loss, either way its waiting for me and I rather hit it head on.
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