Maybe Romance Should Stay Dead

Now I don't mean flowers and dinner in a small quiet restaurant. I'm talking about the other definitions of romantic :

2.	fanciful; impractical; unrealistic: romantic ideas.

3.	imbued with or dominated by idealism, a desire for adventure, chivalry, etc.

Now I've been called a pessimist on more than one occasion, I simply can't subscribe to that. Pessimist always thinks the worse will happen and is in a constant state of gloom and doom. I was much more an Idealist :

1.	a person who cherishes or pursues high or noble principles, purposes, goals, etc.

2.	a visionary or impractical person.

3.	a person who represents things as they might or should be rather than as they are.

So consequently when things did not live up to my lofty goals or expectations I would get down on myself which I suppose can be viewed as pessimism. Its just that I have had very Romantic ideas of the world driven into my head at a very young age. Ideas of Love, Honor, and Sacrifice. Ideas that I am coming to find do not fit into this world we live in anymore. So many books, movies, and shows deliver these ideas but since you can never follow up beyond the story you always assume things work for the best. Well in the real world this is tragically untrue. Maybe this means I'm becoming jaded. That's the last thing I want. Maybe its my fault for buying in to such high ideals in the first place that I was just kept setting myself up for disappointment. I can't afford to believe in those ideals anymore though, at least right now. I need come to realization that there is no such things as destiny and fate. I have to let them go because right now they are keeping me stuck in the mindset that you know who will be walking through that door any minute now. A very Romantic concept that I can't hold onto because its not helping me get on with my life. Maybe some day someone will restore my beliefs, but right now they are too painful to hold on to.

I know these ideals are down deep in my core though because when I dream its always in very romantic themes: over coming impossible situations, saving the day, and obviously reconciliation of past mistakes. Of course there is one mistake that I keep dreaming about rectifying and I can't understand how if I am to ever get better does my body want me to keep reliving these events and filling my head with scenarios that don't work or will not work. I thought dreams were your bodies way of helping you deal with the powerful things you couldn't totally cope with in the waking world. My dreams are not helping me at all in fact I think they are hurting me, keeping me back from moving on. I can't control them so each night I get to have the same dream and wake up to the harsh reality and no progress has been made. Its difficult, most days I can distract myself by going to work but days like today on a weekend its particularly tough.

On another note. I have always enjoyed Kelly Clarkson, however it wasn't until very recently that I have actually been listening to the lyrics of her songs. Now I can somehow relate to most of the songs in her catalog. Go figure!